When people first decide to try online dating, or to go back to it after a break, they tend to have specific thoughts and feelings about the process. Some people feel excited or curious, others feel apprehensive, and some feel a sense of humiliation or defeat that they haven’t been able to meet someone the “regular way.” For this last group, I always feel compassion, because the mindset you take into the process is important…. And let’s face it, meeting online is now part of the “regular way.” So let’s talk about how to get in the right mindset and what to put in your profile!

1. Do online dating only when you’re emotionally ready in terms of your foundational confidence. Be able to say to yourself, “I bring something to the table. I would make a good partner for the right person, and they would be lucky to have me.” If you can’t say that and believe it, then do some work on yourself. This may mean developing your life in ways that feel fulfilling, such as taking up new hobbies and interests, growing a friend circle, improving your health and fitness, sorting through old relational dramas and traumas and closing out those chapters, and possibly doing work with a therapist to get yourself in a good psychological space for dating.
2. To start, do some online research about the different platforms and the vibe they each have. Pick one that seems to suit your goals. There are platforms that target certain age groups, religious affiliations, and occupational groups. Think about who you want to date and pick a platform accordingly. In the beginning, I encourage people to choose one platform and pay for the highest level of service they can reasonably afford. I often talk to people who are discouraged with the process, and I find out that they are using the lowest tier, free service and juggling multiple sites. They feel burned out and don’t like the quality of people they are seeing online. I advise people to consolidate their time, money, and energy and commit to one good site with a subscription that they can afford. Assume that you are not going to meet the love of your life in the first 30 days you are online. Commit to a subscription for several months or a year.
3. Get some good photos of yourself that are current. Current means no more than a few months old. Don’t use filters. Don’t touch anything up. Don’t use a lot of selfies. Selfies distort. They either make us look better than we do in person, or worse than we do in person. They tend to distort our facial features. Don’t use exaggerated angles that distort how your face or body really looks or try to cover perceived “flaws.” Your pictures should look like you. When a future date meets you in person for the first time, they should be able to spot you from across the room and know who you are. Your pictures don’t need to be taken by a professional, but let a trusted friend or family member snap some good photos of you. For online dating, it’s recommended that you have at least one close-up shot of your face, and one head-to-toe shot that gives the viewer an understanding of the general size and shape of your body. Wear your personal version of something that is flattering and form-fitting, but not overly revealing for this kind of picture. What would you wear if you were going as a guest to a fun wedding reception of a friend or family member? That kind of outfit would likely be great for a head-to-toe picture. Have at least 5-6 pictures of yourself that you like that you can put on an online dating profile. Minimize use of big group pictures where you’re with friends. Potential dates want to see you; they don’t really care about your friend group at this stage of the game. Do some outside pictures and some inside pictures. Show yourself smiling, laughing, and doing what you enjoy. If you are passionate about your dog or cat, show a picture with them. I’ve seen a lot of profile pics where people are going for a look that is serious, mysterious, pensive, edgy, or seductive. These often backfire. They tend to look odd or confusing. The goal is to show who you really are, not create an online character. For the ladies, use the level of makeup or natural look you would normally have in your daily life. For the men, if you’re looking for something more than a hookup or a relationship that’s “casual,” leave your shirt on. Some level of modesty and discretion is typically a good thing at this point. Show who you are, but leave something to the imagination.
4. Most online platforms will provide you with some prompts where you can write things about yourself for potential dates to see a bit about who you are. I find that in general, people under-utilize these prompts. They skip some of them and write nothing, or they write short answers that come across as defensive, closed, or showing lack of effort. (Men, I’m talking to you here. Don’t do the minimum on the written portion of the assignment). You will differentiate yourself in the online dating world by writing full and thoughtful answers to each of the prompts.
5. Show your unique self. It has become cliché in the heterosexual online dating world to say that the majority of women are posting pictures of themselves in yoga poses, and the men are posting pictures of themselves with a huge fish they caught. Now, if yoga and fishing are really your jam, you should run with that, but be aware that you will not be differentiating yourself from others. Similarly, writing a profile that says, “I love to travel, be outdoors, and share wine with friends,” may be true, but it will not differentiate you from other online daters. Be specific rather than general in your descriptions; for example, “I’ve always wanted to take a trip to Ireland. I have a passion for rugged, rocky beaches, and I love a good glass of Merlot.” Don’t be afraid to look different or “quirky”… “I took an archery class in college and loved it. One day I’m going to try it again. Any archery fans out there? We should chat!”
6. Think about the kind of person you want to meet. Make a list of the top three personality characteristics you would like them to have. Do you want someone who is funny, kind, patient, ambitious, frugal, laid- back, driven? Each of these adjectives represents a different kind of person. Think about the kind of person you want and the kind of job they might be doing, as well as the kind of interests they might have. Create your profile to target that kind of person. For example, maybe you would like to meet someone who is in the military. If this is the case, then your profile should become an advertisement for that kind of person. For example, “I would like to meet a partner who has a strong sense of duty toward country and believes in the service and protection of others. Someone in the military or with a military background would be my ideal dating partner.” Frequently, I find that people do not have a clear sense of who they want to date. They are so focused on their own sense of insecurity that they will be happy to take anyone who shows them a bit of interest without much forethought about what kind of person they actually want to get to know. I encourage people to think through the qualities they are looking for and to make a profile that is more narrow than wide when selecting for these qualities. You should say what you want upfront. “I’m looking to connect with someone who is as passionate about piano as I am, politically in the center, and who wants to one day have a big family.” When you write specific things, you may get fewer people responding to your profile, but the ones who do will likely share a lot in common with you. I think this is a better starting point than a wide net that forces you to sift through a lot of people who are not going to be a good match for you.
7. An online profile is not the place to tell your full life story in terms of the ups and downs, but it is a place where you can, and should, honestly reveal pieces of that story. Everybody in the dating world has “baggage,“ e.g. former marriages, children, a crazy ex, difficult extended family members, debt, etc. We all arrive at the process with a history, and it’s OK to acknowledge that. For example, “I’m a divorced dad of two teenage girls who I’m crazy about. I work a lot, but never miss one of their games. I’m interested in meeting someone who is done growing her biological family, but has a heart big enough to embrace my girls. I’m a traditional guy who likes to protect and provide, but I’m also a great cook and enjoy making dinner most nights of the week.” Or, “It’s been a long time since I’ve dated, and I am new to the online process, but excited for this next chapter in my life. I’d like to meet someone who I can get to know gradually. I’m a practicing Catholic, and shared beliefs and values are important in any potential dating partner. If you see something in my profile that has caught your eye, please reach out with a brief message.”

I tell people that online dating is like the Wild West. It can be exciting, risky if you don’t know the rules of engagement, and a process where just about anything can happen. If you decide to give it a try, do so armed with knowledge, common sense, and an open attitude where you set yourself up to take it seriously but not too seriously. Mostly, try to have fun and keep a good sense of humor about the process and yourself. If you want to talk about your experiences with online dating, or go over your profile and discuss ways to optimize your strategy, feel free to reach out for an appointment.