Few topics elicit more eye rolls and sighs in my office than online dating. While some of us know some lucky soul who enjoyed it and met a great partner early on in the process, a lot of people feel like it’s a slog with a hit-and-miss track record. In a digital age where more people are working from home or spending their days in front of screens in an office, the reality is that online dating is probably here to stay. So how do we maximize the experience to make it as safe, fun, and rewarding as possible? Behavioral scientists, as well as professional matchmakers, have some overlapping suggestions. Below is a list of some of these, along with some of my own ideas and observations.

1. Be clear on your goals and hold off entering into online dating until you feel you are in a good space psychologically, and also in terms of how you feel about your physical presentation. Does this mean you need to look like a superstar and lose that 10 pounds you’ve been worrying about for the past five years? No! It means developing some level of comfort and acceptance with yourself and your body so that you will not be buffeted about by the online process which automatically contains (a lot) of implicit and explicit rejection. Online dating is easiest when you feel confident about who you are and what you bring to the table as a whole person-this means physically, mentally, occupationally, financially, (spiritually depending on your beliefs and practices), and definitely interpersonally. Going into it, you will likely have the best experience if you know who you are and what you’re looking for. Online dating is the modern-day equivalent of the old adage that “you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince” (or princess). A lot of people will not be interested in you, including people you think would (and should, darn it!) be a good match for you. Also, people will be interested in you who you find distasteful or even repulsive (sorry, saying the quiet part out loud here). This is the true story of online dating. You are going into the mosh pit of humanity and trying to find yourself a match. Emotionally speaking, this is a contact sport, so you will need to develop a bit of a thick skin. It also helps to have some sense of humor about it, and to expect that it is going to take some time, energy, and most importantly, persistence, before it yields results.
2. There is a science and art to pacing toward a first date in the online world. While there’s a general recommendation that people move to an in-person date within a few days of connecting on a dating app to see if there is an in-person connection, I think this omits an important middle step that should always— yes, I’m saying “always” be taken. I recommend one or two phone calls or video calls before the first date. This can save both parties a lot of awkwardness and disappointment. Many professional matchmakers also suggest this. You can get SO MUCH information from talking with someone on the phone or in a video chat without the pressure of deciding who pays the bill or the question of a hug or kiss at the end of a first date. A phone or video call is easy to end quickly if you’re not feeling the vibe or seeing red flags. These calls let people explore a variety of topics and see each other’s verbal style, mannerisms, and presentation in real time with less pressure. Depending on your age, it may seem old-fashioned, but there are generations of people who came before for whom the phone was an integral part of dating and falling in love. It’s also just plain safer as a starting point for gathering more information about someone before you decide to meet them somewhere in person.
3. Which brings me to this: don’t get in a car with someone you have only met online for a first date. Don’t let them pick you up for the date or take you home from the date. Maintain control of yourself and your vehicle. Do not drink ahead of time before a first date to calm your nerves or seem more “fun” when you meet them. Do not drink excessively during the date—0-2 alcoholic drinks over the course of an evening is enough. Arrive in your vehicle and leave in your vehicle with you driving. Stay in control of your faculties so you can judge the situation accurately and remain safe.
4. If your goal is to meet someone with whom to have a long-term, physically exclusive relationship, do not have sex with someone on a first date. (Let me acknowledge that we all know of someone who did this and it worked out great, etc, etc…) Every situation is unique. Every person is unique. But on average, letting enough time elapse so that emotional knowledge of one another can develop before a relationship becomes sexual gets the relationship started on stronger footing. Hold the most intimate parts of yourself back on a first date, emotionally and physically. Do not overshare of yourself. Keep your clothes on. Pace the process. I have a rule of thumb: if you are looking for a serious relationship with emotional attachment and sexual exclusivity, spend at least 150 hours talking with the person you’re dating before you have sex with them. Talking can be face-to-face, on the phone, on video chat, or texting, but it cannot be watching a movie together, playing a video game together, or getting drunk or high together (you may choose to do those things, but they don’t count as “talking”). A hundred and fifty hours of talking means 150 hours of communicating through words, spoken or written. This is a time when you are getting to know one another, disclosing personal information, and asking personal questions of each other. When two people are clicking, they could easily be talking 1-2 hours a day and then seeing each other 2-3 days a week or more for several hours at a time. A hundred and fifty hours goes by quickly when both people are into each other and pacing at the same rate toward a committed relationship. It should not feel like a chore or a countdown. It should feel fun. The idea that you can sleep with someone early on to jumpstart the emotional intimacy and skip over the talking part is almost sure to backfire. It may not feel that way in the moment when the hormones and the adrenaline are pumping, but a few weeks later, if things crash, there are often regrets that pacing did not happen. The need and desire for pacing is not just a female thing. Men need and benefit from pacing too. Men looking for a long-term, no games relationship also want to take their time checking out a situation and being sure about a potential partner, and they will also respect the other person’s needs and desires for emotional and physical pacing.

Here are some “paced” things you can say on a first date:

• I’d love to hear more about your work. Can you explain to me more about what you do every day?
• What do you like best about your job?
• If I were a fly on the wall at your job, what kind of things would I see you doing?
• Do you like your coworkers? What are they like?
• What got you interested in having this kind of job?
• What kind of training (schooling) did you need to learn how to do this job?
• Is this a job you’d like to stay in long-term?
• Is there an opportunity to advance in your job that you’re hoping to take advantage of?
• If you weren’t in this job, what’s your dream job?
• Where did you grow up?
• Do you have siblings?
• Where do your parents live?
• How often do you get together with family?
• Tell me about your kids (if they are a parent)
• How long have you been single?
• What do you think about (the online platform you both met on) so far?
• There’s a lot going on in the news these days…what’s your take on it?
• What are some of the things you care about most in life?
• I’ve had a great time with you this evening! I hope we can do this again.
• I’ve enjoyed getting to know you this evening. Thank you for a lovely night out. (This is what you could say if you need time to think about it and are not sure if you want to see the person again).
• I appreciate having dinner with you this evening. I feel like on my end, this isn’t something that is going to move forward. Thank you for your time, and I wish you the best! (Get up and leave without further discussion and go to your car).
• For a situation where you feel scared or creeped out, “I’m sorry, but I’m feeling really unwell, like I’m coming down with something. Here’s some cash for the bill. I’m gonna take off now.”

Last pro tip: Confide in trusted friends or family members about your online dating. Run your profile by a couple of people and get their input before launching it. Share pictures and profile specifics of people you are thinking of going out with and review the conversations and details of the dates with them. For all of human history, dating happened within the guidance of family and kinship networks. Marriages were arranged, or people were set up with one another by friends or family, or met in contexts where they knew each other for a long time. It used to be common to marry someone who grew up on your same street and who you had known since elementary school. That kind of long-term knowledge and vetting of potential partners is not available with online dating, so use your trusted friends and family members in the process and don’t do it entirely in secret or in isolation from outside feedback.

The good news is that there are a lot of nice people out there who are just like you: well-intentioned, with good motives and values, looking for a regular human with whom they can develop a strong relationship. They’re not looking for someone 10 years younger, 10 pounds thinner, two inches taller, or 50K per year richer. They’re looking for you, so be yourself, stay safe, and have fun!