Dan was like a lot of people in that he wasn’t against therapy; he just saw it as something that he would never seek out for himself.
Dan had grown up in a home with two parents who loved him. No one drank heavily or used drugs. There was enough money for being in sports and taking family vacations. Dan had a couple of siblings and grandparents who were involved. Life felt very “normal,” except for once or twice a year when Dan’s dad lost his temper. This is when the wheels would come off.
Dan’s dad could get mad fast, and the triggers were unpredictable. He was a yeller, but worse yet, he could destroy the house. After an episode, there could be holes in walls, broken chairs, or cabinet doors ripped off hinges. It was a lot to take. Dan’s mother tried to minimize the effect on the kids as much as possible, but they still saw a lot. When their dad was ramping up, she would tell them to go to their bedrooms and hide. One time a neighbor called the police, but when they came, Dan’s mom told them that everything was fine and that her husband had just had a stressful day at work.
As an adult, Dan knew his dad’s anger had left a mark on him, but he thought that he had handled it. He mostly tried not to think about it, but he was adamant that he and his wife would never leave their children with his parents for babysitting. Dan loved his kids, and he would do anything to protect and provide for them, which made it all the more surprising when one day his wife told him, “You have to do something about this.” She told Dan that he had become increasingly irritable since he had taken a promotion at work and since they had had a second baby. She felt that sometimes he was too hard on their eldest, raising his voice over small things, “getting in his face,” and handling him roughly. She said that bedtimes were the worst in terms of Dan’s short fuse with the kids, and that she was afraid to go out with friends and leave Dan in charge. Dan was shaken by his wife’s words. He did not want to repeat a pattern and do to his children what had been done to him, so Dan did something that he had never before imagined doing–he called for an appointment for therapy.
In therapy, Dan began to explore what he had learned in his family of origin about frustration, anger, and conflict. He started to work on new skills to use when he was upset, and he started to delve into some of the emotions from his past. He was surprised to learn that he had a lot more feelings about his dad’s anger than he had ever let himself acknowledge. I told Dan that sifting through these emotions would be an important step in learning to handle his own anger and developing more self-awareness. Dan was motivated to change; he wanted to give his kids a better childhood than what he had experienced. He was determined that the family history of violence would end with him.
Dan and I met weekly for three months, and then every other week for three more. I was able to teach him skills for parenting young children, and also taught him developmental information about how small children behave and experience emotion. Because so much of effective parenting involves having the right expectations about how children act, Dan found this information empowering and useful.
In addition to this, we worked on him being able to identify his own emotions. Dan learned that he was essentially only comfortable with anger as an emotion, and he was surprised when I told him that anger often covers feelings of fear or hurt. I had Dan do some charting of his feelings over several weeks. In the beginning, it was hard for Dan to name his emotions, and he learned that he had to make time each day to pay attention to them. As Dan practiced these skills, he started to spontaneously notice feelings other than anger. He also became more able to take a break when he was getting angry so that he would not do or say things he would regret later.
About halfway through therapy, Dan’s wife came with him for one planned session where we talked about how she experienced his anger in their marriage, and what she could do to support Dan in utilizing the new skills he was learning. Dan said this was a pivotal session for him.
When Dan ended his work with me, he said he felt more in control of his anger, and also more able to feel a wide range of emotions. He was also enjoying parenting more, and felt better able to understand his kids and their developmental needs. In our last session, we talked about important elements of self-care, and I told Dan he could call me anytime in the future if something else came up or he wanted a booster session.
The following story is a composite inspired by my work. Details have been altered to protect privacy, while the process remains true to the therapeutic experience.